Mom Burnout is Real- Learn How to Deal

In our world today, there are many aspects of parenting that can cause stress, anxiety, worry, and sometimes depression. All these symptoms can take a toll on parents, especially mothers, and lead to “mom burnout.”

“Mom burnout,” while not an official mental health condition, is a very real state of mental, emotional, and physical exhaustion. Intense childcare demands can result in detachment and a lack of fulfillment. It is the result of too much stress and not enough resources to properly cope with all the pressures.

How do you know if you are experiencing mom burnout? Some symptoms you might experience are:

 A consistent bad mood.

 Inability to control emotions.

 Feeling “touched out.”

 Difficulty thinking clearly.

 Loss of pleasure in parenting.

 Numbing with addictive behaviors.

 Declining physical health.

 Quickness to anger.

 Forgetting or avoiding important appointments.

As moms, we are trying to navigate all the physical, psychological, emotional, and relational changes that come with becoming a mom, all while raising our children and focusing on their needs. These days, many moms are also working outside of the home either part or full time. It is impossible to do it all at 100%, which can feel defeating and exhausting. If this is something you are struggling with, you are not alone! Talking to other moms experiencing similar levels of burnout can be comforting and empowering.

This Spring, we are running a group for moms seeking support and connection. If you are interested in learning more, please reach out by phone or email:

Caroline Dean-Smith

(484) 218 2209

cdeantherapist@gmail.com

The man who moves a mountain begins by carrying away small stones. ~Confucius

The beginning of a new year brings with it feelings of renewal, change and possibility.  Coming from the intense and busy times of the holidays in December, January offers an opportunity to reset priorities, expectations, career goals and health goals.

But how do you do this in a way that feels hopeful and leads to success?  Most people have experienced years of failed New Years resolutions which leads them to either shy away from making further resolutions at all, or they start even more determined to make this the year they’re successful.  But this approach can lead to quick burn out, frustration and hopelessness.

Remember our previous blog?  Life is not a sprint, it’s a marathon!

If you start out the year too fast and too intensely, with unrealistic goals, then you won’t be able to sustain this for the long term.  In a marathon, as in life, there may be times along the way where you run fast, with more more intensity, and then other times when you have to fall back into a pace that you can sustain and focus on your goals.  Both of these time periods are ok.  It’s important to acknowledge both as being part of the human experience.

Then, when you get to the place in your marathon where it’s time to slow your pace down, it’s important to use a mindful and non-judgmental approach.  Pay attention to your self-talk and try to reframe the language. Here are some examples of this:

Instead of: “I’m fat and need to lose weight.”

Consider a non-judgemental reframe: “I have great memories from the holidays and enjoyed my time with friends and family.  Now my body is telling me that it’s ready for more movement and more nutritious options to nourish it.  And as a result, I will feel better overall- in my emotions, my mental clarity and my energy levels.”

Instead of: “New Year’s Resolution”

Consider a reframe:  A shift, a refocusing, a prioritizing or returning to healthier habits.

And then, instead of setting big lofty goals, start with 1 small change.  Choose something that you know you can do on a daily basis.  Try that out for a week and pay attention to how that change is impacting your emotions, your health and your confidence.  If you see improvements in those things, you will be more motivated to continue.  After a few weeks of having integrated this change into your life, you will be closer to that change being a new part of your regular routine.  At that point, you can decide if it would be beneficial to make another small change to add to that one.

If you like this concept, you may be interested to read the book, “The Slight Edge” by Jeff Olson.  In his book, Olson explains the ripple effect of making small changes on a consistent, regular basis, which builds up to larger changes. 

So, if you’re looking to move a mountain…begin by carrying the small stones.

And if you think that therapy would be a beneficial “small change” to make in your life this new year, know that the therapists at A Balanced Approach would be happy to help you get started 😊

Meet Your Therapist…

Caroline Dean-Smith joined A Balanced Approach last year, first as a counseling intern and now she is a pre-licensed therapist. Here is some more information about Caroline to get to know her better:

How do you spend your free time?

I love spending time with my family and friends. I have two daughters that keep me very busy. Some favorite activities are hiking, the beach, listening to music, going to concerts, and trips to New England.

What do you like most about being a therapist?

I love building the therapeutic relationship and connecting with someone who wants to do better for themselves. It is very cool to be a part of someone’s healing journey!

What would you want someone who has never been in therapy to know about starting with you?

Therapy is a commitment and taking the first step is one of the biggest hurdles to get past. But once you are here, the space is for you. Come use it as you need!

Every therapist talks about the importance of coping skills for the people they work with, but what are your favorite coping skills for yourself?

I am an introvert, meaning I reset and become grounded again by having time to myself. I enjoy walking while listening to my favorite music or podcast or going for a long drive alone. Second to alone time, is coloring with my daughter.

If you’re interested in connecting with Caroline, you can reach her at cdeantherapist@gmail.com or at 484-218-2209.

A Marathon, Not a Sprint

Who would have thought we’d still be dealing with COVID a year and a half after things were shut down the first time?  At first, everything was going to be shut down for 2 weeks, then the schools were closed for the rest of the year, and now here we are after many ups and downs and COVID is still a factor in our daily lives.

Let’s compare this to training for a race.  Your race training will depend on whether the race is a sprint or a longer distance.  So let’s say you had been training for a sprint and you get up to the start line and the whistle blows.  You’re sprinting and your muscles are doing what they’ve been trained to do.  And just when you think you’re getting close to the finish line, someone picks up that finish line and moves it back by 25 miles.   Now the game has changed in a big way and you have to change your approach.

We’ve all been running this marathon for a while now so I’m guessing that your strategy has changed along the way, maybe multiple times.  The change itself was difficult and that initial sprint may have worn you out which makes it harder to come up with a new plan.  My best suggestion, as a therapist, as a human being living through this pandemic alongside you and as a parent, is to take a really HONEST inventory of where your mental health is right now.  This marathon has worn down our spirit, our strength, our endurance, and so much more.  So be honest, how are you doing?

How is your stress, anxiety, depression?  Sometimes when these things last for a long time (say a year and a half?), people tend to not even realize that they’re struggling because it feels so normal to them.

Have you checked in with your primary doctor in a while?  Schedule those regular check-ups that you skipped during the pandemic and be honest with them if you have changes or concerns.

Are you taking care of yourself?  Eating well?  Sleeping?  Drinking enough water?  Exercising?

Do you have a healthy support network in your life-family, friends, coworkers, therapist?  And when was the last time you talked with them or saw them?

Do you have positive coping strategies and things you do just for yourself to nourish your body, your mind and your spirit?

Have you taken on unhealthy strategies for managing stress?  Are you drinking or eating more than your body needs or eating a lot of sugar?

A marathon runner will tell you that you have to nourish every part of your body, your mind and your spirit in order to stay strong and healthy for an endurance race, and the same thing applies to this marathon pandemic.  Reach out and ask for help and support.  Find a therapist.  Talk to your doctor.  Set up time with that friend you haven’t seen in a year.  Visit your spiritual place.  Get out in nature. 

Take that extra care that you need right now in order to be strong and healthy through this marathon.

Exploring Obsessive Compulsive Disorder

As is often common with anything in life, concepts you have little or no exposure to can fly under the radar of your awareness. The same can be said about Obsessive Compulsive Disorder which is more commonly referred to as OCD. Unless you, a family member, or a close friend have direct experience with this disorder, you are most likely limited to that which has been portrayed by the media in countless movies and books. A character in the television show like Tony Shalhoub’s Mr. Monk who goes to great extremes to avoid contact with others to avoid contamination provides us with a possible depiction of what those with OCD experience. But those who suffer with the disorder know that there is so much more to OCD than staying away from germs.

OCD is a real psychological disorder that can frustrate and often debilitate its sufferers and bring anguish to those people who love or support them. Studies show that OCD affects 2-3% of adults and 1-2% of children, but these numbers don’t include those people undiagnosed but still experiencing the symptoms.

There are two key components to OCD; obsessions, which are unwanted thoughts that serve to stir up fear, uncertainty and discomfort; and compulsions, which are the behaviors displayed by the person as they attempt to rid themselves of the distress associated with their obsessional thoughts. Hand in hand these obsessions and compulsions can evolve into a behavioral loop, which left untreated, can result in severe deterioration of a person’s quality of life.

A very common talked about form of OCD is fear of contamination, however, OCD comes in many types of intrusive thoughts and behaviors. Other examples include, having intense anxiety and persistent thoughts that you have been careless or injured someone, preoccupation with exactness, evenness, balance and/or symmetry , unwanted thoughts or images of violent or aggressive acts toward self or others, focused thoughts on sexual preference or topics related to sex, recurring thoughts centered around acting unfaithful or immorally toward God or others, or thoughts suggesting to redo over and again some behavior to ensure the task has been completed ‘just right’.

To help move past these types of thoughts, persons with OCD will then engage in ritualistic behaviors with the attempt to relieve some of the anxiety induced by the mentioned thoughts. Rituals can include things like excessive checking, washing or cleaning, repeating routine actions (ex. rereading, or counting), and ordering or arranging things in particular ways. These unwanted thoughts and counter behaviors result in wasted time and intrusions which impede a person’s quality of life. There are however, treatment strategies that provide OCD suffers with tools to live free of the above mentioned symptoms.

How to Get Help

Cognitive behavior therapy, better know as CBT, is a skills based approach treatment strategy which allows clients the ability to develop an understanding of their problem and then together, working with a therapist, develop a treatment plan that involves learning and practicing healthier ways of thinking, behaving and coping. The therapist is like a coach or teacher who helps the client understand what is occurring. After the client’s fears are identified, the therapist works with the client and provides homework (commonly referred to as exposures) designed to help the client face their fears and learn to live with uncertainty. The therapist serves as guide and mentor teaching the OCD sufferer how to face these unwanted thoughts and behaviors found as part of their OCD.

The good news behind this frightening disorder is that there are treatments that work and provide relief from the sometimes agonizing symptoms, allowing people to get back to living happy and productive lives.

The therapists at ‘A Balanced Approach’ have received extensive training in CBT targeted to help clients with OCD and are available to work with clients needing both clear diagnosis and treatment of the disorder. Please contact us for more details should you or a loved one require help.

Pride…A Rainbow of Colors

Have you ever wondered what the acronym LGBTQIA2S+ stands for?  In honor of PRIDE month, below is a helpful graphic for explaining each of the terms.  The acronym is not all-inclusive, however the + at the end reflects the great diversity that exists within gender identities and sexual orientations.  Like a rainbow, the colors are endless, beautiful and something to be proud of and celebrated!

“48% of youth stated they wanted counseling from a mental health professional but were unable to receive it in the past year.” – The Trevor Project

 If you or someone you know is part of the LGBTQIA2S+ community and has been looking for a mental health professional, please reach out to our very own Lindsay MacGeorge, who specializes in working with the amazing children, youth, adults and parents in this community.

 For more information about LGBTQIA2S+ and pride, here are some great resources:

 History of Pride: https://www.history.com/pride

 LGBTQ Youth: https://www.thetrevorproject.org/

 Human Rights Campaign: https://www.hrc.org/

 Mazzoni Center (Philadelphia): https://www.mazzonicenter.org/health-care

Is the Glass Half Full or Half Empty? It’s Your Self Talk That Knows for Sure

Imagine two people waiting in line at the grocery store.  Due to new Covid-19 cleaning procedures the process often creates a back up of customers trying to check-out.  One person standing in the lengthy line believes he is trapped, saying to himself, “I can’t believe how much time I am wasting at this store, I’m vaccinated, why do I need to wait for this extra cleaning?” and “I have go to get out of here and if the clerk doesn’t speed it up, I think I’m going to lose it right here, right now.”  What he feels is anger, anxiety and frustration.  The second person views the situation as an opportunity to relax and finds herself humming to the piped-in background store music.  She looks past the lengthy line and notices the magazine rack off to the side, recognizes the face of a favorite actor and decides to grab the publication and leisurely page through, catching up on a bit of the Hollywood glitz that she finds pleasantly distracting.  Person number two is feeling a sense of calm, acceptance and is at ease with the present situation.  In both cases, the check out line is exactly the same, but the feelings in response to the situation are very different and have been self created by each individual’s internal monologue, or what is commonly referred to as ‘self talk’.  

Self talk is the continuous stream of unspoken thoughts, both good and bad, that run through our minds. 

 The source of these thoughts is generated either based on logical reasoning, or, on misconceptions that a person creates on their own when there is a lack of information or knowledge.  This lack of information may cause a person to “fill in the blanks” with misinformation, which in turn, can result in negative self talk.  Negative self talk impacts how we view ourselves and the world around us.  It is not to say that negative things won’t occur and bring with them negative thoughts, but producing more negative thoughts than positive on a regular basis, can greatly impact your mental health and the way you view your world.

 So how do you identify negative self talk?  A good starting point is to look at examples of some common forms; 

Filtering-  Filtering occurs when a person focuses on the negative aspects of a situation and filters out the positive.  An example of this would be: A spouse vacuums and dusts the entire house and has dinner waiting on the table for the family and when the family offers praise for the sparkling home and the delicious food, the spouse can only think about the two loads of wash that they didn’t get to that day.

 Personalizing -  In the event that something bad occurs, the thought pattern of this person will be to find reason to blame themselves.  Learning that the group has decided to cancel lunch plans, the person using personalizing will produce thoughts that the lunch was indeed canceled because the others did not want to be around them.  

Catastrophizing- A person with this thought pattern automatically resorts to the worst possible outcome.  An example of this type of negative thinking is illustrated by the person who spills coffee on themselves at breakfast and then automatically thinks that the rest of the day will be filled with mishaps.

 Polarizing-  This type of thinking has no room for middle ground, but rather focuses on the extremes, good vs. bad, right vs. wrong.  The thought is that unless it is perfect, you are a failure.

Strategies to Improving Your Self Talk

 It takes awareness and practice, but a person can learn to replace negative thoughts.  It may take some time to internalize this new habit, but the next steps will get you on the path.

1.      Focus in and notice (start small)-  Take a look at your life and focus in on one area; a relationship, work, a daily routine, for example, and begin to notice your thoughts.  Notice if your thoughts are mostly positive or mostly negative.

2.     Evaluate your thoughts 

Check in with yourself throughout the day and notice, if thoughts tend to be mostly negative, see if you can find a way to put a more positive spin on them.  If they are mostly positive, notice, and feel good about yourself and your thinking. 

3.     Use Compassion-  Don’t be too hard on yourself if you begin to notice that the majority of your thoughts appear negative. Noticing is a good first step toward change, and you are now one step closer.

4.     Practice Good Self Care-  A person who is more relaxed, rested and at ease will undoubtedly have any easier time engaging in positive self talk.  Do your best to practice behaviors that help mange your stress.

5.     Positivity Can Be Contagious-  Make it a point to surround yourself with positive thinkers.  Supportive people who provide you with positive modeling make for an easier journey.

6.     Practice Breeds Improvement-  Notice examples of negative thinking and then counter it with something positive.  The more practice you get the more automatic it will become.  Using gratitude while working on positive thinking is a good strategy to practice as well and can help you generate more positive thoughts.

     So the next time you find yourself in a long check out line, use the time to flip through a magazine or hum a song, remembering, you can’t change the length of the line, but you can change how you think about it.

4 Myths About Starting Therapy

Have you been thinking about seeing a therapist for a while?  Is it hard to pick up the phone and make that first call?

You are not alone in this!  Many people spend months (or even years!) debating about therapy before they actually do it.  It’s normal to have anxiety about trying something new, especially when it means talking about personal things like emotions and life experiences to someone you don’t know.  Here are some myths about the process as well as some information about what counseling is really like:

But first, what is therapy anyway?

Therapy is a scientifically proven process to help people manage not only mental health concerns, but also stress and everyday experiences and emotions.  A licensed therapist will use many proven techniques to help you manage your thoughts, navigate your feelings and improve behaviors that are keeping you from living the life you want.

Myth # 1: “Therapy didn’t work for me in the past, so it’s not going to now.”

As therapists, we hear this one all the time!  Have you ever gone to a medical doctor or dentist that you didn’t really care for, so you tried another one?  I know the process is not always easy, but just because you didn’t have the best experience or you didn’t connect with one person, doesn’t mean that will always be the case.  A connection with the right therapist can make all the difference in your experience with therapy and meeting the goals that you have set for yourself.  So please give it another try!

Myth # 2:  “My problems are not “bad” enough to go to counseling”

Some folks are of the impression that things have to be really “bad” in order to warrant counseling services.  However, people attend counseling for many, many different reasons, both small and large.  A concern doesn’t have to be “bad” to warrant counseling, but if it is bothering you, then that is actually the perfect time to seek counseling.  You can get some support and work on the problem before it becomes an even bigger concern!  

Myth # 3:  “I don’t want to talk to a stranger, they don’t even know me!”

While this is a common concern, we actually hear from many people that the opposite is true for them- many people say that this is one of the best reasons to see a therapist.  Many people benefit from hearing an outsider’s perspective on their situation.  A therapist is not involved in your day to day, which puts them in a wonderful position to give you a fresh new view on the dynamics of a situation.

Myth # 4: “Once you start, you have to go for the rest of your life.”

Definitely not true!  Some people will go to therapy for just a few sessions if that is all they need to reach their goals.  At the beginning of the therapeutic relationship, you will set goals with your therapist about what you want to accomplish and the therapist will share some strategies of how to meet those goals.  Periodically you and your therapist will take time to assess your progress, possibly identify different goals or decide that your goals have been met.  Sometimes people will transition to taking longer breaks between appointments in order to assess how they feel without therapy each week, others just end when they are ready.  There’s no right or wrong way here.  Therapists love when you meet your goals, just as much as you do, and we want you to succeed!

We hope these myths have helped to answer some common concerns you may have about starting therapy.  We know it can be scary to start something new, but in this case, the benefits are well worth it!

A Little Anxiety Can Be OK

6 Tips to Validate your Child’s Feelings Without Reinforcing their Fears

As parents we often feel the need to take on super-hero powers to help our kids manage their anxious feelings. Some may feel like it’s written in the parent job description to do whatever is possible to help children deal with anxious feelings. What parents often miss in this repeatable cycle is that this short term fix can actually reinforce the fear. The child learns that when they voice feelings of anxious distress, someone (the parent) takes it away. For a little while the child feels better, but this is short- lived because the child has not faced their fear. While reassurance in the moment seems appropriate, it is strengthening the fear for the future. So what can a parent do? Here are 6 tips to keep in mind:

1. Develop Coping Skills- A better goal than eliminating your child’s anxiety is to help them develop their own coping strategies to manage it. As parents we don’t enjoy seeing our children unhappy, but teaching them to sit with anxiety and tolerate the feelings, even when they are anxious, is best. Using this approach will result in a decrease or even elimination of the anxiety in the long term.

2. Avoid Avoiding- Sometimes a natural reaction to anxiety is to avoid the things causing the anxious feelings and, in the short term, the child will feel relief. But this avoidance actually reinforces the anxiety in the long term. A child who cries or gets upset in response to anxious feelings, who is then removed from the situation by their parent, has now learned this as a coping strategy and this cycle (anxious = cry = parent removes me) has a high probability of repeating itself.

3. Provide Support - Validating that the fear is present for your child and then providing support which focuses on the child’s strengths is best. “You have done well in the past and I saw you study several extra hours for your Math exam so I am confident that you will be able to manage the anxiety you are feeling about the exam.” This response example allows your child to hear that they are understood, but also focuses on your confidence, that you believe your child has the coping skills needed to face the anxious feelings.

4. Don’t Reinforce the Fears- Children look to their parents for guidance and direction. Being aware of your own fears and being careful not to impose them onto your child is key.

5. Be Aware of Anticipatory Time- The time leading up to a feared situation can work to intensify a child’s fear. There is little benefit to announcing at breakfast, to the child who fears needles, that they will be seeing the doctor that afternoon. Hiding the appointment is not suggested, but shortening the anticipatory time is a positive strategy.

6. Model the Behavior- You are your child’s first teacher. Providing them examples on how you cope with your own anxiety is important. Pretending that you don’t have anxieties is harmful and sends a conflicting message. Pointing out healthy ways you use to tolerate and handle your own stressors allows your child to see that anxiety is manageable and is a normal part of life.

Meet Your Therapists…

You’ve probably already read our bios on the Therapists tab but you may still be wondering who we are, not just as therapists but as real people.  So here’s a fun way to get to know the therapists sitting across the couch from you.

Linda Robins

Linda, How do you spend your free time?

“I love the beach, spending time with my family, and walking my (large!) rescue dog Bingo.  I also love baking and I am famous for my “Everything but the Kitchen Sink Cookies! Yum!”

What do you like most about being a therapist:

“I enjoy helping people and I love being a part of someone’s “ah-ha” moments.  The most satisfying part of therapy is to watch someone start taking the steps to feel better!

What would you want someone who has never been in therapy to know about starting with you?

“Uncertainty can be hard, but you’re taking that first step.  Good for you!  You’re doing it!

Every therapist talks about the importance of coping skills for the people they work with, but what are your favorite coping skills for yourself?

“My two favorite coping skills are walks in nature and dance parties with my daughter!”

Lindsay MacGeorge

Lindsay, How do you spend your free time?

“I love spending time at a favorite lake in upstate New York.  I also enjoy hiking, camping, spending time with my family and reading.  A little known fact about me- I’ve been playing soccer my whole life and I still play as an adult.

What do you like most about being a therapist:

“There is a contagious energy that comes when two people are working together for positive change.  I enjoy being part of those moments and seeing someone’s face light up when they make a connection or learn something about themselves.

What would you want someone who has never been in therapy to know about starting with you?

“There is always some fear in doing something new, but it’s within that fear that some of the most significant change happens.  Lean into that fear, it’s a sign that you’re taking steps so that things can get better.”

Every therapist talks about the importance of coping skills for the people they work with, but what are your favorite coping skills for yourself?

“My favorite coping skills for myself are a combination of running, yoga, cooking, mindfulness, creative projects, playing with my kids and playing soccer.  I use some regularly and preventatively, while others I use in the moment when they’re needed.

*Hopefully you’ve enjoyed getting to know us, as we are looking forward to getting to know you!

~Linda & Lindsay